Lucifer is actually a female.
How could this happen to me… My thoughts were swirling through my head as I felt as if my body was floating through some sort of endless vortex. I felt my body, but I couldn’t actually see it, nor move it. I could feel my existence, but beyond that, there was nothing. I felt like I was looking around, but everything was black, void of color.
My last, normal memory, not in this suspended state, was not a very fond one. You see, in a trivial attempt to impress a girl I liked, I decided to have a little race with the popular kid in my school. Ah, yes, a good old test of physical skill to win the heart of the girl. Classic, right? Well, as I sprinted at top speed, overtaking my opponent and relishing the thought of my crush’s embrace, I suddenly found myself splattered up against the grill of a semi truck. Because why wouldn’t a bunch of dumb high school kids have a foot race next to a busy street?
After that, I found myself in this void. Feeling as if I exist, but truly wondering if I did. As I sit and wonder if I am supposed to spend the rest of my consciousness in this state, questions keep popping through my head. Why now? Why was my life cut so short? Why wasn’t I able to live out my dreams? Did that “Big Boi” decal on the truck implant onto my forehead and leave a permanent mark? If so, did it look cool? So many questions.
As I sifted through the darkness, in deep thought, a strange tickle hit me where my neck should be. As suddenly as the void began, it ended. I found myself standing in a small room. The floor was some sort of hardwood, with a giant rug in the middle. A fancy looking chair was placed, pointing away from me towards a fireplace. All of the walls were bare, and colored a deep red. It kind of felt like one of the first rooms you made in Sims when you were trying to figure shit out.
I stared down at my hands in wonder, it was nice to be able to actually see my hands again. I felt myself all over, making sure my entire body was here. After running my hands up and down my body, my teenage boy mind shot to the most important part of my body of all. I quickly undid my pants and prepared for a thorough self inspection when-
“Can you, like, not whip out your dick?”
“AH!” A high pitched scream escaped me as I jumped out of my skin.
The fancy looking chair silently, and eerily, rotated around in place until it revealed a figure sitting in it. You would think this figure would be totally dark considering a closed room and only a single light source, but alas, the room was perfectly lit. I suppose there could be a lighting crew hiding some where.
“Yes, yes, spit it out ‘Who are you’, that’s always the first question. It’s never ‘How are you’,” the figure said with a look of impatience and disgust.
“H…How did that chair rotate so silently without disturbing the rug underneath it? That makes no sense.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You sat through a dark void for five decades, are suddenly plopped into a room with a mysterious figure and lighting source, and your first question is about the chair?”
I shrugged my shoulders at the figure. I mean, it was quite amazing. Did it have a swivel or something?
“Now it makes sense why you ran into the street and got hit by a truck.”
“Rude,” I retorted, genuinely offended.
“Anyway!” The figure stood smoother than a hot knife through butter, “You’re in hell kid, cause you were a shit person. I’m Lucifer. I usually don’t do this myself, but Carl is on vacation. You are going to spend eternity here, but don’t worry, it’s not too bad. Aside from feeling as if your body is on fire constantly and having to do grueling tasks that never end, you do get a 30 minute lunch break. Except, there is no lunch, because this is hell.”
“What?” The figure stared through me with the force of a Karen.
“You’re a girl?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” the figure slumped back into the chair, resting HER head in HER hands.
“I’m just saying…maybe warn a broth-”
“Warn you of what? Yes. I’m Lucifer. Yes, I’m a woman. What is the big deal?”
“It’s just that, ya know…thought you were a dude.”
“Are you saying a woman can’t run hell? Is that it?”
“No no no, just sayin’ maybe they should let people know.”
“Why does it matter?!” Lucifer was standing again, and I took note that the fireplace fire seemed quite lively now as well.
“I just always thought I’d come down and be like ‘Yoooo Luc, what up my MAN’ and he’d be like ‘YOOOOOO you are finally here dude, I’ve been waiting!’ and I’d be like ‘I know dog, I did some crazy shit while-‘ Wait, where are you going?”
Lucifer had gotten up and walked toward the wall where a door appeared out of a burst of fire. It was quite over dramatic, too. I mean, if Lucifer was a dude it probably would’ve been a normal door. Just saying.
“I’ve changed my mind, no lunch breaks for you.”